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Revitalizing Love and Sex After Kids

by Robyn Vogel, MA, LMHC

This is true for most of us: after children are born and the ‘couple’ becomes a ‘family’, sex and sexual energy can be hard to come by. Hours awake in the middle of the night, nursing all day, or working all day and coming home to change diapers, feed, rock, cuddle, bathe, wipe, clean your baby – these things don’t add up to a romantic, sexually charged love-making session! It can be hard to regain your equilibrium but sadly, if you do not, the risk is high. Many couples that come to see me have let themselves separate sexually and often emotionally. They are sad and lonely and not “feeling the love” anymore. Here are a few tips for those early days of parenthood that can help you stay connected and in love with your partner.

1. Create a few minutes every day in your busy lives to connect with your partner. It could be 1-5 minutes at the dinner table, before one of you goes to sleep, in the morning before work. It could even be a 5 minute telephone call during the day. The goal is to keep the connection flowing despite your busy lives.

2. Schedule a date every month for the following:

· A sex date -- this can be anything you want it to be -- sex is more than intercourse; make sure it's something you 'both' want and will enjoy!!

· A date to receive from your partner; this is an opportunity to fill yourself up with something that will feel good to YOU: a foot massage, back rub, hot bath, have a story read to you out loud, anything your heart desires! The boundary here is that you receive and your partner gives; it does not lead to sex. In order for this to work, that rule is necessary.

· A date for you to give to your partner; same rules apply!

· A date just to talk: you take turns -- decide on a do-able amount of time and then split it in half. You speak, your partner only listens (perhaps reflects back what he heard) and then you switch. This may be a new skill but it's an extremely valuable one. A bit of deep listening goes a very very long way!

3. When it feels right (not necessarily soon after you’ve given birth or even for several months afterward), do something every day to keep your sexual energy flowing. This could include squeezing those PC LOVE muscles, deeply breathing through the chakras, yoga, a walk in nature, self-pleasuring, and any act of self-love. Keep the energy flowing by tapping into it as often as you can.

4. Stay connected to your partner by sharing your vulnerability and your feelings. It's perfectly normal not to feel sexual when your children are young. Dropping down into your heart with your partner is the greatest gift you can give him. Tell him how you feel. Share what you appreciate about him, let him know you love him and that your sexual desire is not as high as you wish it were. Hugging, kissing, snuggling in bed can keep your connection intact in the meantime. Sharing your heart keeps the love flowing.

5. For fun, have a "What Turns Me On" conversation. Schedule it if you need to (a great idea!) but have it. It's often a great idea to have this conversation out of the bedroom. It can be more juicy that way and build sexual energy and desire. Take notes and use what you've learned during your scheduled time. The sky is the limit here -- think expansively when you think about sex and what turns you on. Maybe you like to have your hair played with, your feet rubbed, your back scratched, fantasies shared, etc.

6. Most of all know that your sex drive ebbs and flows for so many reasons and that it's normal. If you find yourself feeling really distant over a long stretch of time, seek professional support. There are therapists, sex educators, coaches, sex therapists and the like available to support you and your marriage. It's a very worthwhile investment -- you are worth it!

For more information about supporting a healthy, happy and sustainable relationship, visit http://www.SacredTantricFire.com.

Robyn Vogel, MA, LMHC, is an intimacy coach who serves the community by offering Tantra-infused counseling to couples, individuals and groups. For 20+ years, she has been supporting others in creating more love in their lives. She has been trained in several body-oriented modalities which support her spiritual approach to healing and her deep connection to this work: Reiki energy healing, Chakra-balancing, Internal Family Systems, yoga therapy, EMDR,and family mediation.

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