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Fun is Not a Four Letter Word

by Ariel & Shya Kane


Oh, the pressure! Men and women are trying to find "The One."

When looking for a potential mate, the urge to get in there and make it work is a driving force. People are so busy looking for someone who is relationship material and finding Mr. or Ms. Right that they forget to have fun. In fact, dating to have fun is thought of as frivolous or secretly held as downright immoral. If you are going out to enjoy yourself and have fun, rather than finding a marriageable mate, it is generally viewed as a big taboo.

Not true of me! you might say. I think having fun is really fine and a great idea.

OK, fill in the blank: A woman who has four dates with different guys in one week is a _______.

Or, fill in the blank: A fellow who is dating four different women is a _______.

Of course, some of you might fill in the blank with the idea that he or she is ‘lucky,’ but is that really the truth? Have you ever found it difficult to date, even casually, more than one person at a time? Have you ever had only one date with someone and then spent a lot of time thinking about him or her to the exclusion of all others? Have you ever passed up going out because you are waiting, hoping for that fantasy phone call or email that never comes? Or, have you pined for someone who lives in another city or country, knowing full well that you have no intention of moving and neither does he or she?

Over the years, we have seen both men and women immediately pin their hopes on one person to the exclusion of all others. Take, for instance, Jessica:
Jessica started trading emails with Bill, a man from an online dating service. He seemed so nice that she didn’t answer the other emails from prospective suitors because hopefully, this fellow would prove to be her boyfriend. She thought about him a lot and looked forward to seeing what other messages would come. Eventually they talked and finally they had a date, and then two.

Jessica found out that she and Bill had no chemistry in person. In fact, his views in real life were different than what he had portrayed in writing and his judgments of her were offensive. Since Jessica had let all of the other potentials fade away, now she had to start all over. But she felt discouraged, decided to take a break from online dating and before she knew it, months had gone by without going out. Jessica began to think of herself as simply unattractive. Once she lost her momentum, it was hard to regain it.

What if you just started to go out for fun? See if you can include the societal programming for finding a mate and then simply let yourself enjoy people, lots of people. The best place to start is everywhere! If you begin to let yourself have fun with the person you buy your coffee from in the morning or the ticket seller at the movies or the person in the checkout line, you will begin to relax and be more yourself. Being yourself is really attractive.

Who are you more likely to be interested in: Someone who is enjoying himself or herself and taking pleasure in the moment or someone who is trying to fulfill an agenda?

A friend of ours recently told us of a blind date she had with a man, which started out light-hearted enough, but by the end of that first evening, he started talking about the two of them getting married. It totally turned her off. Obviously, relationship isn’t something you can force.

If you recognize and sidestep the trap of trying to achieve a relationship, you may discover yourself having so much fun with someone that a relationship simply and beautifully happens.

Some of you may be reading this and thinking, Thank goodness I have found my partner and I don’t have to worry about dating anymore. If this is true for you, then here is a question: What have the two of you done for fun lately?

Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, and consultants Ariel & Shya Kane have taught individuals, couples and organizations across the globe how to live in the moment and unwire the knee-jerk behaviors that get in the way of relating well and living life with ease. Together for 30 years and counting, people still ask Ariel & Shya if they are on their honeymoon. Their most recent book, How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage, is a sequel to How to Create a Magical Relationship: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage. Both award-winning books are available everywhere books are sold. For more information about the Kanes, their books and their seminars, visit www.TransformationMadeEasy.com .


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