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Seeking the "Right" Relationship

by Stacy J. Zemon


Are you looking for the “right” relationship?  As a single woman, I have thought a lot about what this question means and there is only one thing of which I’m certain – that everything begins with Self.  My ability to love another person is in direct proportion to how much I love, accept, respect and am happy with my Self.

What’s Your Model?

The model for my ideal relationship is something I must set according to my own standards and no one else’s.  Even when parents and mainstream society are our primary role models, if that model doesn’t suit you, then choose what you want in a relationship rather than what you’ve seen from others or take bits and pieces of relationships you admire and adapt them to your own taste.

Relationships based on Want not Need

Almost everyone wants a healthy and meaningful romantic partnership at some point in their life.  Here are some good questions to ask while consciously manifesting:

·        Do I seek this relationship because of want or need?

·        Am I already in love with myself?

·        DoI have a healthy sense of self-esteem and act out of genuine human longing not born out of emotional necessity? 

Only honest self-inventory can provide the answers.

Defining Your Ideal Relationship

Have you truly defined your ideal relationship? This means identifying exactly what you want and need. What can you not live without? What do you need to thrive? What do you need from a partner day to day?  Purge fairy tales from this definition.

Discovering Old Relationship Patterns

Have you reflected on how you think, feel and behave in relationships?  If your past relationships have not worked out then you would benefit from taking an honest self-inventory to discover your part in contributing to that.  If not, you will continue to recreate the same dysfunctional dynamics with different partners.  In some shape or manner we are always in part responsible for relationships that do not workout; even if it about making an unhealthy choice in a partner.

Letting Go

I remember coming home from a date that I thought had gone very well.  We talked for hours, had much in common, and I definitely felt a physical chemistry between us.  Naturally, we made plans to get together again.  When I called her to firm up those plans I got her answering machine and she never called me back.  I followed up with an E-mail to which she did not respond.  After that I let go.  Naturally I felt surprised, rejected and confused and I will probably never know why she choose to cut off communication.  The lesson here?  It takes “two to tango.”  Regardless of what I thought or felt, that feeling was not reciprocated and I needed to let go of the situation without personalizing it and move on.  There are things about people and dynamics in situations of which we may never become aware.

The Past has Passed

In order to attract your ideal relationship, you must drop the baggage from your past. Baggage here refers to hurts and fears towards anyone that was either a role model or with whom you were in a past relationship. Some people carry their wounds as badges of honor or as irrefutable truths about how people are.  Learn from past experiences without being ruled by them.  By living in the here and now you can be free to experience a connection with a new person by being discerning, yet open.

Envision Your Ideal Relationship

My vision of an ideal relationship includes relating with someone on all four levels; spiritual, mental, emotional and physical. I have met only a few people in my life that fit these criteria.  In each case the person was either unavailable because of an already established relationship or the relationship didn’t work out because our personalities or lifestyle weren’t compatible.  Even the love you can feel for a Soulmate or a remembered love from a past life (if you believe in reincarnation) is not enough to make a relationship work in the present if certain criteria are not met.

Take Your Time

Most people would agree that a strong friendship is at the heart of every great relationship and that there is a big difference between true love and romantic attraction.  True love grows over time and experiencing a romantic attraction with someone does not mean you will do well in a relationship with them. No matter how intense or honest the relationship, it takes time to really get to know someone.  Is it possible to know someone in a week, a month, a few dates? Can you reveal all of your complexity in that short amount of time? How long does it take someone to truly know you?

Individuality vs. Co-dependence

In the healthiest relationships, each individual has a rewarding life outside of their primary relationship.  Work, activities and relationships with other people complete a person by fulfilling a multitude of their desires and needs. Thus they are able to bring their happiness and experiences back to the primary relationship.  It is also very important to nurture a relationship by spending quality time together sharing and loving.  Trust and good communication are essential ingredients to successful relationships.

Develop Strong Boundaries

It is also important to develop and honor your personal boundaries. To know and honor these builds your self-esteem while earning the respect of your partner.  Invariably, your mate will do something that does not feel okay with you. If you don’t let your feelings be known, this will create walls and resentments between you.  Knowing and verbalizing your boundaries and then experiencing having them respected will build trust, appreciation and love in your relationship.

Strengthening Faith

To attract and create your ideal relationship, call upon the Higher Power of your understanding (e.g. God, Spirit, Love, Universe, etc.) to help and guide you.  By strengthening your faith, you will gain patience waiting for the one you are envisioning.  Faith will keep you from slipping back into old familiar and unproductive behaviors in an effort to speed up results.

To sum it all up:

·        See people for who they are and not for who you want them to be or who you are afraid they are.

·        Recognize your attraction to people, understand what you are attracted to in them and have a choice in what you will do about it.

·        Know what you need and be able to assess if a potential partner is able and willing to meet your needs.

·        Know and respect your boundaries and communicate when they are crossed or endangered.

·        Be clear about your definition of an ideal relationship and be able to assess if a potential partner has the capacity to co-create that kind of relationship with you.

·        Have a rich and satisfying social life, one where your needs for companionship are well met.

The most divine human experience possible is true kinship with another human being.  This is well worth the wait and effort because there is nothing that compares to the feeling of knowing that another human being likes, loves, accepts and is attracted to you based on really knowing who you truly are – and that you feel exactly the same way!

Stacy J. Zemon is an Accredited Life Coach who specializes in helping gifted, creative, talented and evolved adults to maximize their potential in life.  She views herself as a combination Possibility Seer, Intuitive Inquisitor, Change Catalyst and Inspirational Muse.  Visit her website at LifeCoachStacyZemon.com where you can download Stacy's free ebook: Am I Gifted?  A Guide for Self-Discovery. 


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